I count down the hours until nightfall, when my mind is frozen in silence again.
The moon is my buffer against life and it quells the pain.
The daylight brings panic and the nightfall brings sedation,
from the corners of my fears to the riddles of the day’s hesitations.
Under the cover of darkness, the world is frozen in time and I don’t feel such a rush;
In the day, I feel so behind the rest … in this depeche mode of push, push, push.
I could cry, but the tears won’t fall.
They’re like shards of glass, blocking my way … and they’re over ten feet tall.
My irrational thoughts are piercing my skin;
My muscles are tightening as I soak in the weight of my sin.
It’s getting harder to breathe as my body turns to stone;
My fears cripple me the harder they are thrown.
Days like this, I wish someone would just knock me out.
It’s too much to bare … all this self-hatred and doubt.
I could scream in frustration but I choke on my words;
They stun my vocal chords and they run away like the herds.
There is no one to pray to and no one to spite;
No friend on the phone or anyone in my sight.
A bottle of gin would come in handy on days like today;
The headache from panic is worse than a hangover on any ol’ day.
But instead I sit here, alone, frozen in my chair….
counting down the hours to nightfall,
when I can rest in the illusion that everything is fair.