After my shitty morning, I went to Intensive Outpatient Treatment and decided it was finally time to really open up. And boy did I ever. It is very difficult for me to really open up in a crowd, because I tend to be shy and hate hearing my own voice…plus there is the whole judgement factor weighing in, I have to admit. So, I decided it was do or die, basically and spilled my guts about my everyday struggles. I usually do, I mean we are required to check in everyday, but I typically find myself talking fast, avoiding eye contact and skirting over the real issues.
I can write about these issues until the cows come home, but it is quite another story to hear myself spout it out in public. I suppose by talking it out, it makes it more real. And maybe I am now finally ready for that reality.
I had a small convo with someone out front before the meeting, venting all of this to her before hand, and she encouraged me to really try and open up to the group about it because more people would understand and relate to me. I am glad I took her advice. I broke down and that felt really flippin’ good! I got it all out and I got great feedback and understanding from the group. I also had an individual session with my counselor that always is benefitial. It is easier for me to open in front of one person rather than 8 or more.
But today, I stretched myself a bit and it was really cathartic.
I will be stepping down into Outpatient Therapy which only meets twice per week. So, that is progress, although I am a tad nervous about all the free time on my hands. I will figure it out. But it’s nice to know that I am finally ready to move on.
I will also be moving as soon as availability is open at a recovery house near my therapy. That will be an adventure in and of itself, but after 5 months of swimming in cesspool of passive aggressive nonsense, I am ready to move on to a more therapeutic community. I am not one to really go for roommates, and here there will be 16 of us, but I will make do. I think at this point in my life, it is a god-given gift and I am appreciative of it. Things always happen for a reason (I know, let’s all roll our eyes at that one, but I can’t deny it’s reality in my life). I will take from it what I can and I am positive that it will be very beneficial for recovery and growth!
All in all, today is now shaping up to be a great day! All thanks to therapy, encouragement from you folks, and a little dash of courage on my part.