Stability

So, maybe I didn’t quite bow out as gracefully as I had hoped in this situation with my parents.

I tried. But someone made that impossible.

I did not get accepted into the recovery home because, technically, I am not homeless. I am awaiting a bed at a crisis center and hope to stay there for a few weeks. It is a facility that deals with dual diagnosis, helping people get back on their feet etc… It is a very nice place, great staff, chef, rooms, etc… A lot of art therapy and walking. I really think that more mental hospitals should follow suit, because it was very therapeutic. I will not have access to the internet or my phone during that time, so no updates here at all for a few weeks.

I choose to go to this crisis center, because on the outside I may seem stable, but on the inside I am simply dying. It is becoming harder to control and the mental and verbal abuse at home is causing anger issues that really scare me. Mania and hypomania have shown their face one too many times over the last few months and I can finally say that alcohol had no part in it at all. So I now know for certain that this is about my disorder and not alcoholism. Depression has shown its ugly face as well, currently I don’t know what I am. I think I am in a mixed state. And that is really uncomfortable.

It is exhausting me. It is downright uncomfortable. And I am scared to death of another bout of psychosis that could be lurking right around the corner, as spring is approaching, the full moon is out, and I am already showing signs of building up for a full blown manic episode.

At least, through somewhat continued sobriety (I say somewhat because I have messed up) I can see patterns emerge and I can ward them off before they get out of control. And when I say I get out of control, I mean I literally lose my mind and once I am out of touch with reality, it is one hell of a ride to get through as it runs its course. And this time, I don’t know what I would do, so I am really afraid of it now and will do anything to prevent that from happening again.

Taking this break from reality may be the best chance I have to staying a stable course through this year. My goal was to stay out of hospitals this year, but I would rather prevent it than deal with a full blow psychotic episode a few months down the line.

I am not sure what stability feels like, as I have only caught fleeting glimpses. But I am certain that this isn’t it.

I look back on my days of being self sufficient and it blows my mind that I could pull that off. 10 years in a profession that I loved and hated, alcoholism, mental disorder, social life, love life, etc… on top of it all. I am not sure what happened or what snapped, but I can barely handle one of those things alone right now. Recovery and mental health issues are a full time job as it is. For me to sustain an actual job on top of that is beyond comprehension at this point in time. And I can just forget maintaining a relationship on top of it all. No way.

libra

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