Okay, it is out with it time. I cannot hold on to this any longer or I will burst.
I am waiting on an approval from Social Security Disability. Something I have been through the ringer with for over 2 years now. I was denied the first time and appealed and had my hearing two days before Christmas. Still waiting on an answer as some things needed to be wrapped up.
Everyone and their mother thinks I will get it. I am just being realistic and finding it VERY hard to balance between thinking positively about this and visualizing it VERSUS thinking realistically and not getting my hopes up too high about it.
I will be crushed if I am not awarded this. I have been through soooooo much shit in the last 5-15 years with Bipolar One Disorder and Alcoholism, it’s not even funny. Especially the last two years.
I couldn’t have put more faith into my future than I did last year. I couldn’t FATHOM what it would take to come up with MORE faith than I had. It was blind, innocent and solid faith in the unknown. I put so much energy into believing things would finally happen for me and none of them have except for one brief moment in time. It just boggles my mind as to WHERE on earth or the heavens do these thoughts, projections and visualizations GO? I have yet to see them pass.
I know that Universe works in mysterious ways, and god as my witness, I am banking on these things coming to pass in some way I don’t expect. But I do expect them to come true.
I worked MY ASS OFF this year…for the last 7 months on myself…internally and physically. I obtained sobriety…sure little mess ups here and there, but for the most part, I have finally seen the light in that realm. And it is wonderful to say the least. BUT, even on meds and while sober, I STILL have bouts of depression (severe) and mania.
I cannot imagine working right now. I couldn’t do it if I tried. I wouldn’t be able to maintain a job as I can barely get to IOP for more than a month straight because of my condition. I want to eventually go back to school for Art Therapy, but I can’t even imagine that right now.
I need a break. A really big break for at least a year. I don’t want much. I just want to stay out of the Shelters in town. I want to have a place to call my own, even if that just be a simple studio apartment. I want to pay my father back the money that he lent me on my manic/psychotic spending sprees. I want to pay off debt. I want to afford a used car that won’t break down. I want ONE simple vacation. ONE. Where I can visit long lost friends and family. That is all I ask. I am almost 40 years old and I think after all the shit that I have been through in the last 15+ years … I deserve that. I JUST WANT TO BREATHE AGAIN!
Sorry I just need to vent and get this out. I reallly need prayers, white light, good vibes, positive thoughts (whatever it may be) on this, as the decision will be made very soon. I can barely hold on and keep it together in the mean time. I am writing this in hopes that someone reads it and can send good thoughts my way about it.
I am finding it hard to do it alone. If I lose this case, I just don’t know if I will ever have much faith in anything ever again.
I would really like to believe that during my manic/psychotic phase last year, traveling out west, that I moved some serious celestial mountains in my life…paving the way for the future. I really really really want to believe this. I trusted sooooo much in everything then. I believed it all…you name it. I had steadfast faith. Now it’s time for the law of attraction to work wonders.
Thank you for reading! ❤