Okay, it is out with it time. I cannot hold on to this any longer or I will burst.

I am waiting on an approval from Social Security Disability. Something I have been through the ringer with for over 2 years now. I was denied the first time and appealed and had my hearing two days before Christmas. Still waiting on an answer as some things needed to be wrapped up.

Everyone and their mother thinks I will get it. I am just being realistic and finding it VERY hard to balance between thinking positively about this and visualizing it VERSUS thinking realistically and not getting my hopes up too high about it.

I will be crushed if I am not awarded this. I have been through soooooo much shit in the last 5-15Β years with Bipolar One Disorder and Alcoholism, it’s not even funny. Especially the last two years.

I couldn’t have put more faith into my future than I did last year. I couldn’t FATHOM what it would take to come up with MORE faith than I had. It was blind, innocent and solid faith in the unknown. I put so much energy into believing things would finally happen for me and none of them have except for one brief moment in time. It just boggles my mind as to WHERE on earth or the heavens do these thoughts, projections and visualizations GO? I have yet to see them pass.

I know that Universe works in mysterious ways, and god as my witness, I am banking on these things coming to pass in some way I don’t expect. But I do expect them to come true.

I worked MY ASS OFF this year…for the last 7 months on myself…internally and physically. I obtained sobriety…sure little mess ups here and there, but for the most part, I have finally seen the light in that realm. And it is wonderful to say the least. BUT, even on meds and while sober, I STILL have bouts of depression (severe) and mania.

I cannot imagine working right now. I couldn’t do it if I tried. I wouldn’t be able to maintain a job as I can barely get to IOP for more than a month straight because of my condition. I want to eventually go back to school for Art Therapy, but I can’t even imagine that right now.

I need a break. A really big break for at least a year. I don’t want much. I just want to stay out of the Shelters in town. I want to have a place to call my own, even if that just be a simple studio apartment. I want to pay my father back the money that he lent me on my manic/psychotic spending sprees. I want to pay off debt. I want to afford a used car that won’t break down. I want ONE simple vacation. ONE. Where I can visit long lost friends and family. That is all I ask. I am almost 40 years old and I think after all the shit that I have been through in the last 15+ years … I deserve that. I JUST WANT TO BREATHE AGAIN!

Sorry I just need to vent and get this out. I reallly need prayers, white light, good vibes, positive thoughts (whatever it may be) on this, as the decision will be made very soon. I can barely hold on and keep it together in the mean time. I am writing this in hopes that someone reads it and can send good thoughts my way about it.

I am finding it hard to do it alone. If I lose this case, I just don’t know if I will ever have much faith in anything ever again.

I would really like to believe that during my manic/psychotic phase last year, traveling out west, that I moved some serious celestial mountains in my life…paving the way for the future. I really really really want to believe this. I trusted sooooo much in everything then. I believed it all…you name it. I had steadfast faith. Now it’s time for the law of attraction to work wonders.

Thank you for reading! ❀

16 Comments Add yours

  1. dyane says:

    Positive thoughts towards yor getting the disability award and being notified with good news asap!!!! You deserve it 1000%!

    1. Thank you, Dyane! πŸ™‚

  2. SASS-A-FR-ASS says:

    Like you my beautiful friend, I had to fight 4 year’s for my disability rights. I too got denied and had to wait two years to apply again. Including fighting myself that it really was time and that I couldn’t work no matter how much I wished it. My 2nd try I got denied yet my stack of medical records more than proved I am disabled. So I decided to fight in front of a jury type of thing. After arguing my case I had no more than stepped out the door when my cell rang and the disability worker who argued on behalf of the state was on the phone telling me I had won. I too owed my father a shit ton of money. Why am I telling you this? Because even though I am pretty much a random stranger I am proud of you for writing this post. And I know how hard the fight is. You deserve it and I believe you will win this time. Your hard work on yourself counts in a huge way! Sending positive thoughts your way, keep fighting and this time next year you’ll not only be on your disability but the here and now will be a memory. πŸ™‚
    PS; I just received the Libster Award Nom this morning and while I haven’t had time to even think about it yet, you are definitely nominated. Other than support, it’s the only other gift I can think of to give you and well you deserve it!! πŸ˜‰

    1. You are awesome! Thank you so very much for your support. It brought tears to my eyes! ❀ ❀ ❀ So glad to know you finally received what you needed.

      1. SASS-A-FR-ASS says:

        I may as well introduce myself so call me Meg or Sass whichever work’s best! πŸ˜‰
        I admire your bravery, your fight, your sense of humor. Always have.
        Reading this post of your’s made ME cry truthfully, because I can and do understand ( as much as another human can) the whirlwind of emotions you are quite likely are and have been going through.
        Receiving disability is a right. ( I viewed my 2nd go round as a literal fight for my life and an outright war.) And that’s exactly what it is.
        You are a fighter my friend, so you win this war beautiful!!
        And feel free to message or email me anytime okay?
        As for the Award, if you want to wait for me to write my Nom post and questions you can and if you’d rather just post up the Award on your blog go ahead. πŸ™‚ >3 >3 >3 😘

      2. Thank you again for the encouragement and positive thoughts and feedback! ❀ My name is Liz. It's easier to say that than reneweddesign. lol. Hopefully soon, I will be able to catch up people's blogs as I have missed them dearly. I just have been through the ringer the last few weeks or so and haven't had a chance.

      3. SASS-A-FR-ASS says:

        Pleasure to meet you Liz. πŸ™‚
        You’ll catch up with other’s blogs when the time is right.
        As well you know, keeping one’s life in some semblance of order is most important especially when it feels like there’s a never ending flow of crap hitting the fan..lol
        I’ve finally gotten my award post written and will upload it later. If you haven’t the time to go through all the questions and stuff don’t worry about it. I sent it your way because you deserve it so as long as you know that, I suppose that’s all that really counts. πŸ˜‰ >3

      4. I will check it out today! Thanks again for the nomination, Meg! πŸ™‚

      5. SASS-A-FR-ASS says:

        Most welcome Liz.
        Have you heard any news yet about your benefits? I’ve been thinking quite a lot about it which may seem strange for a semi stranger to do but as I said, I know the feeling very well and i can be rather a worry wort at times. >3

      6. I appreciate you thinking about it! No word yet, it’s in the decision process, so moving along! Please keep your fingers crossed for me in these next few days. ❀ I feel in my heart that it's a yes. I couldn't possibly go through anymore to prove it to them.

  3. Samantha says:

    Fighting with yourself can be very tough, and I know because I’ve been there, too (and sometimes I find I still am). I wish you ALL the best of luck, positivity and good things in your life! No matter the outcome of this application, don’t give up fighting for yourself. You are worth it!
    Here’s someone from the other side of the world sending you positive thoughts! I’ve been reading your blog and I see a lot of myself in you. I can’t do anything else but wish you all the best πŸ™‚

    1. Thanks so much, Samantha! I will continue to fight but it’s just getting harder and harder as I am worn out mentally and emotionally. But I have always somehow found the strength within when needed most.

      1. Samantha says:

        See it as a workout: when it starts hurting, when it gets harder, that’s when change occurs. I believe in you. Everyone has bad days, even the strongest of people. Just remember you’ll have good days too and they’ll come around again πŸ™‚

      2. I believe this to be true, too! I really do. I can’t keep up this pace in my workout for much longer. I need a break and then I will go at it again. πŸ˜€

  4. SASS-A-FR-ASS says:

    I almost said my finger’s are crossed for you as well as prayers and anything else that might help but didn’t wish to come across as being presumptuous lol.
    That is fantastic that you are feeling it will finally be a Yes. I quite seriously will be very fricking happy for you so my finger’s are definitely crossed. Both hand’s! >3

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