Now that I have spent 8 months in recovery for alcoholism and my last bout with mania, I feel it’s necessary to dig a little deeper. Yes, I have messed up along the way on the alcohol front, but progress is progress and I have come a long way from where I was, so I am proud of myself. I spent the better half of the last 8 months really digging deep into the why’s of my alcoholism, but not so much the mania end. There is a root cause to all that ails us, I believe. And I really want to get into the nitty gritty and discover what that is when it comes to my psychosis.
You see, I have had three psychotic experiences and they all revolved around obsessions with distinct grandiose delusions that are all common. I am not even ready to say them out loud, let alone write them down yet. So, I think the next step for me over the next year is to really dig deep into the WHY’s and CAUSE of these similar psychotic experiences. I will work very closely with my therapist, who also has Bipolar One and knows these experiences all too well. That is a comfort to me and I fully trust good things will come out of this digging.
I cannot accept just taking medication to treat my disorder. I am the kind of person that has to know the WHY’s of everything….I have to know it inside and out and 100% before I can fully grasp it all. So, that is essentially what I am about to do. We are all our own masters. And I’ll be damned if I am not going to try to master myself. I may fall short, but at least I am trying. I cannot change things, unless I first start with myself. Plus, I am simply fascinated by the mind.
I tried to do it last year on my own and ended up in a manic state because of it. So, it is unwise for me to really dig deep on my own. I have a mental block anyway, so I cannot do it if I tried. What is to unfold in this time will be mind blowing to me, I am sure. I am really excited about it, but know all too well, that I am at risk.
I know it sounds kinda odd to be excited about digging up the root cause, which is most likely trauma of some sort….but I know that from my experience with just the last 8 months in therapy for alcoholism, I see the benefits of really getting dirty and purging that pain away. It’s so imperative for me to unearth my true nature, at it’s core…warts and all.
Baby steps! Onward, outward, forward!