So, about three months ago, I felt the urge to write up this whole essay on what it means to mend broken relationships and what it means to forgive the self and others, and move on. Whew. Glad I didn’t do that yet, because I am no expert. I am just starting to learn what it all means as more and more issues surface and resurface as time goes on.
I’m on a desperate search to find a way to apologize for my behavior during my manic episode and during my stages of alcoholism. My father just says to keep it uncomplicated and just say you are sorry. But all I’ve ever learned from him is that sorry’s don’t put a dent in anything and I get everything I ever did thrown back in my face for the rest of eternity, so I really don’t listen to him when it comes to this. I wrongly assumed that getting sober was my way of apologizing, but that isn’t enough. I have been conditioned to believe that the word sorry isn’t enough – so I sit here with frozen with guilt everyday, because nothing gets said. I apologized to my family and they completely ignored me. So, what is the point? That really hurt. Not that all can be forgiven, but at least respond.
I also am struggling with forgiveness as I recover more and more everyday. The resentment I harbor in my soul is unbearable at times. And it’s not as easy as just deciding to forgive, apologize and move on. I have to really mean it and feel it deep within.
Does forgiveness come first before I can genuinely apologize for my behavior? Should I be apologizing for that which was out of my control? Why haven’t the majority come to me with an apology for the harsh words said, the actions taken and the tough love that backfired?
I suppose forgiveness is more about just letting go than anything else. I try, but it seems as though it’s a daily chore and the energy it takes to do so is more than I can give at this moment in time, as first, I must learn the art of self-forgiveness.