So, I’m a spiritual being that happens to be human. Aren’t we all. I make mistakes and I fail. And quite a bit, as I wake up to my new reality. So, I can use all the help I can get and I tend to seek that help out from loved ones that passed on. I also seek guidance from those walking their own paths in the here and now, but hear me out…
Whether or not there is a God, I do believe that life goes on. And to me, who better to ask than those that have been through the entire process…from birth, death and beyond? I trust their guidance. I am learning to trust in my ability to discern what they are trying to say.
Too bad I was struggling with alcoholism for 12 years of my life. So much so, that I never heard them or took note of their guidance along the way. I was so deaf to their prodding, that they had to get at me in very powerful ways to get my attention over the last 5 years. I believe that is because I was knocking on death’s door and in the end, that was my choice to make…they were simply trying guide me in another direction..into a divine purpose. I believe there is a divine purpose for us all to fulfill during our time on this Earth, and I feel strongly that they were trying to tell me that my time wasn’t up, and that I had something more to do while I was here.
I ask for guidance and am learning not to ‘control’ what that looks like. It’s up to me to discern and interpret their loving light that illuminates my path on this Earth. Many times, it comes through dreams. Other times, it simply comes through challenges I face, guilt I feel, nagging urges I have, mistakes I make, people I meet, and/or things I happen to read and see. I try not to take anything for granted these days and I see most everything as symbolic signs from beyond.
When I was actively drinking, they came to me primarily in dreams…as severe warnings to clean up my act, and to let me know that they were watching every move I made. They even literally came to me in the form of touch and embrace. They came to me in the form of distinct smell and memories. They also came in the symbolic form of signs and synchronicities.
Over the past few weeks, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I was frustrated that I hadn’t received ‘help’ in ‘MY’ time because I was growing very weary and very impatient. I wasn’t seeing results of my faith that things would turn around. So, I cursed them out…one by one. Ultimately it became a lesson in patience, once again. A lesson in humility, and a lesson that taught me how to sit in my ‘shit’ and not react. To sit in it long enough to gain wisdom in each uncomfortable emotion. You see, as an alcoholic, I never really fine tuned that art. I am not sure that I ever gave myself a chance to do so. I was constantly shoving alcohol down my throat to stuff away and silence any emotion that bubbled up to the surface. And I did that successfully for half my life.
If I cannot learn to sit with my own emotional state and learn its lessons, how will I ever expect myself to really ingest or learn from others…how can I really empathize with someone else without reacting or placing blame..or how will I ever be an example of which I can be proud? I do either of two extreme things: I either take on all the guilt and judge myself too harshly, or I place the blame on someone else entirely. And neither is healthy. I need to learn balance.
Instead of my loved ones coming to me in the form of dreams, signs and synchronicities, they put a giant mirror up to my soul and that mirror came in the form of arguments with loved ones in the here and now, residual karma, and it also came in the form of articles that have ‘magically’ appeared. These past few weeks I saw a lot of ugly parts of myself that needed attention. I saw good too, but the bad was what really shook me up. I saw my arrogance, I saw my resentment, I saw my need for others’ approval, I saw my selfishness and I saw my anger. None of which look very pretty.
I recognized this as an opportunity for self improvement and change. So, I took it. And all I had to do was clear my intentions, and ask for more help to do decode what was being said in a gentle way. Instead of beating myself up for being so far behind the majority, I instead was thankful to them that they thought I was ready for such a task. That they put their trust in me to see it for what it was and to put forth effort to change.
Now the task is to pretty up all the ugly sores in my soul and heart. Not to strive toward perfection, but to become a better human being than I was the day before.