I don’t blame it on anyone. I own this. Not many people even post anymore, and I actually enjoyed reading their posts when they did come through. People weren’t the problem. The problem was me. The problem was what I was reading day in and day out…conflicting information that was insulting my soul. The problem was what I was not doing while I spent time on facebook. The problem was the social suicide I was committing through every manic episode. The problem was the lack of presence I had in conversations. The problem was that I was learning, too well, how to communicate and develop an alternate personality online … with little to no knowledge on how to act in real life anymore. Conversation? What’s that?
I want to live again. I want to feel real connections, face to face. I want to read books again. I want to laugh for real and have someone laugh back at me…in my face. I want to feel the earth beneath my feet. I want to go to concerts instead of listening to links. I want to go to sleep and wakeup without facebook being the first and last thing I see everyday. I want to be present and live in the now. I want to let go of self judgement, obsessions, and offenses. I want to learn to validate the self, versus looking without. I just want things that this lil’ app cannot deliver for me anymore. I just want to do so many things that will never involve an internet connection. Other than a GPS.
For instance, I went to a State Park with my mother today. There is no cell service, or wifi. I gave myself a pep talk before hand, stating, “You will enjoy your mother’s company, the scenery and the NOW.” Even after all the pep talks, I STILL found myself unable to concentrate, anxious and bored because I was worried about what I was missing online. Pathetic. So not me by a long shot. Or at least that was NOT me 7 years ago. Wake up call. That is why I decided today was the day to pull the plug, until I can learn to regain balance, self control, and a very solid sense of self.