I AM

This idea of a UNION weighed heavily on my spirit and became a theme in my life that is unraveling still to this day. I suppose it was always there – preying upon me in the shadows and dancing with me in the light – waiting for the day I recognized it in my mirror. Upon recognition and ignition, my Higher Self stopped me in my tracks and made me fall to my knees in reverence with tears flowing, and my spirit soaring and soaking in the light that radiated from my being.

There was so much light, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had, alone, projected the rainbow that rose above my view in that moment. It cascaded across the sky and revealed words imprinted on a fork lift that sat motionless in my parking lot for a week. BIG LIFT, it said. I hadn’t noticed until that moment and those words are forever etched into my soul.

BIG LIFT, indeed. Yet, ironically, I was plastered on the floor trembling with tears pooling around my throne. Grow ‘Til Tall, on Jonsi’s album, GO QUIET, was blasting from my speakers at that moment in time.

I am not sure what it was that did it. Was it a word? A text from God? A serendipitous musician that looked me in the eyes as if to say, I SEE YOU? Was it magic that infested every bone and flowed through every vein? Maybe I was something much greater than I first assumed. Aren’t we all?

It was my zero hour. A transition in one’s life where everything that had come before it is different from everything that comes after.

It was July 19th, 2010. I had died and risen again. I had perished an old sense of self, I had experienced an ego death where my old identity came crashing to the floor like that of dead skin or woman’s water breaking as she transcends into labor. I lay there on the floor rebirthing a new identity, of which I knew not. A new identity I didn’t know for five years to come.

Everything in that moment had changed. I was in love. With something. With someone. With myself. With life. With everything. As one whole.

Every judgement. Every worry. Every fear. Disappeared.


It shouldn’t have come as a complete shock to my system. For months prior, years even, I was being warned in dreams and visions to prepare for this moment. Prepare for something bigger. Prepare for this BIG LIFT. Angels on high swiftly told me to get my act together and straighten out my ways, for I was being prepped for the meeting of a lifetime.

They would swoop in and pack my bags. They cleaned up my beer bottles lying around the house. They adorned me with jewels and they applied make-up to my eyes, the likes of which would make Cleopatra writhe in envy. They sent me visions, they sent me quotes, they sent me firm messages from beyond, and they sounded off in reality as well. Sign after Sign revealed itself. Synchronicity after Synchronicity composed a symphony. Knowledge poured into my brain at the speed of light. And unconventional wisdom was pulled from my being like the crumbling of teeth.

Preparation began in the physical, but still I shouted at the sky, “Prepare for WHAT?!”

Even though I was frustrated about what lay around the corner, I still was gleaming as euphoria rose up through my body in waves of almost unbearable heat. From the tips of my toes to the crown that now lay upon my head.

I waved to everyone. I waved to the sky on many occasions, thanking those looking down. I waved to helicopters. I waved into the abyss as I traversed this new footing and new unknown.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. Someone was watching my every move.

The undulating waves of knowledge, wisdom, insight, signs, synchronicity, and heat were too much for my soul, body and mind to handle at the initial onset. I had literally lost my mind.

The angels on high were looking down with regret a few months later, as I lay in the hospital gurney only to tell of tales that no one could possibly understand, let alone believe. She had gone too far. The timing was off. Even angels get it wrong sometimes. They are not perfect.

Or maybe it was a test of my bravery, my intuition, my sense of self, my umph, my cha, my love, my universe, my soul, my everything from the beginning of time.

In which case, I aced that with flying colors.


What transpired in the next 5 months is not for the faint of heart or those afraid of heights.

My soul awakened to a new sense of being. It awoke to the prodding, pushing and pulling of my innermost self…my Higher Self, whom I didn’t recognize as such until 5 years further into the journey. It was a unraveling of my old self, my stringent belief systems that I held so dear, and of my identity as a single white female with a job, an apartment, friends and family. And a dog.

I was tripped up between the rest of time in this love affair with someone unknown, but in my search for something real, something I could taste, touch, and smell…I assigned this love to people (many people) in my immediate reality. I still to this day find it to be a bit of a cruel joke. But, I did ask for it.

Years before, while I lived alone in my cottage amongst the woods, I wished to God that I would discover my magic of which He spoke so clearly. I wished for someone to see that in me as well.

I saw it finally after years of searching through scripture, accepting my prophetic gifts, listening to others drip with their own magical worlds folded in between states of this reality and oneness, opening up my ears to lyrics for the very first time, and researching to no end about everything from Buddhism to Twin Flames.

I was hooked. But no one else was. Everyone thought I had just lost my mind and worried about me and still do, to this day.

They had the power in this society to stop me in my tracks, physically. And they did. But one thing they didn’t realize was that spirit was much more powerful beyond the veil of all senses commonly understood. I tried to put it to bed for 4 years, to be a good citizen, to do the right thing, to participate in society as a whole being without tipping the edge into insanity.

But something always bubbled to the surface. A sense of something that lay beyond the constructs of our minds. A deeper meaning behind everything. A purpose. A divine plan. A glorious plan.

And in the center of that plan, laid bare for all the world to see, were the most powerful words ever spoken, for whatever comes after these words shapes your reality – I AM.


To be cont…

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