UNSETTLED.

Although I am beyond grateful for all the help I have received in the last three weeks, I am finding it hard to motivate myself. Not because I don’t appreciate a space to call my own, but because after the last 2 years of running, settling down into anything is very unsettling to me.

It has only been one week, and I already feel a sense of being snared by the system once again. I have 6 months left of mandatory mental health treatment.

Concerning my treatment, I  appreciate the therapy and help from my case manager, and the ladies at the crisis center, but that’s about it. I don’t buy into the rest, and I never will. I don’t even buy into disability. The process has left me bitter and scarred. If only that were the half of what I’ve dealt with in this fucked up system in which I no longer belong. Never did. Please save your breath. Until you’ve been through it, there is nothing you can say to change the dull, yet persistent, ache in my being that cries out , “we are worth so much more.” Nothing will change my mind. It’s deeply flawed. And in a lot of cases, it’s simply inhumane.

There are people heavily sedated and locked up in those rooms, that are capable of changing this world, radically, for the better. Truth. 100%. But they are being silenced, and that only scratches the surface.

I have so much to say, but I’m still raw, still bleeding, still wrapping my head around it all. In the next six months, I plan to write more about my experiences, wrap my head around my core beliefs, inspire those in the process of transformation as I did in the wards, and create art to sell so I can save to leave this state once and for all. I found home in many places, hearts and living souls the past 6 months, but nothing is permanent. I belong with a new tribe that propels me forward. And, I have a feeling from here on out, I will be doing nothing but moving on.

I want freedom. I want wild inspiration and I want to be around those that readily supply love and support vs shame, judgement or abandonment. I want to move in all ways. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. I want to make an impact in this world. And I want to let a new world of understanding and love have its way with me.

Maybe someday, I will learn to curb my rough edges and anger. Maybe not. All I know now, is that I’m using is as fuel. Not to harm. To heal.

I’m learning that fighting the old no longer serves me or anyone else and it certainly does not do anything fast. I no longer have the time to waste. I want to be part of a solution and focus my energy on building the new in a collaborative effort with those that feel just as passionate.

I’m currently typing on my phone, so I apologize if my writing seems off or abrupt for now. It is what it is. My account expires in 10 days. I hope I can gather the funds to keep it going. It’s more important to me than my art. If I lose it, I will be devestated.

But life goes on. And so do I.

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