Bitter.

Super bitter today, but I’m headed out with a friend so hopefully my mood will shift.

I’ve decided against IOP. Intensive Outpatient Treatment. The longer I stay in someone else’s idea of recovery, the longer it’s going to take me to recover in my way. I’ll go to meetings here and there, but that’s about it.

Even when I was fully engaged and writing last year, my family still saw no progress. I sat upstairs everyday writing and drawing after daily therapy. Every day. Instead of encouragement, I got a belligerent family member telling me I was out of control and I was told he couldn’t handle me anymore. Then I was kicked out for not being awarded disability n thrown into hospital after hospital. At my lowest, I was slapped with a restraining order from my own family and sentenced to 9 months of mandatory mental health treatment.

All because I was recovering and the medication I was taking didn’t have the power to hold back mania. And, again, yes … I was taking them at the time mania hit. But by then it’s too late n I’ll say it again…no amount of sedation, medication n treatment will stop it. Nothing. It must run its course. In a safe environment. And I assure you, institutions are no longer something I consider to be safe.

So, here I sit for months feeling like I’m the crazy one. Like I’m the asshole. Which only made everything that much worse. Yes, I was furious and I had every right to be. It’s called gaslighting. To a dangerous degree.

So much led up to this that family and some friends will never understand. I’m done trying. I’m not putting my energy into this anymore. I’m putting my energy into surrounding myself with those that already understand and those that have been through it and can teach me how to move forward.

I still hold the same beliefs. So, nothing has changed. In fact, they are stronger now more than ever.

I’m just bitter. So much time wasted. For insane reasons. Time that could have been spent flourishing, creating, honing in on skills and gifts, loving, etc. But those that do not understand, fear. And that fear is costly. Very.

So, I ask this, if you don’t understand, ask. Don’t judge. Chances are you have beliefs that are a bit ‘strange’ as well. Religion, for one, and that’s just touching the surface. I won’t get into it, but all I’m saying is that I don’t see you being locked up, forced into psychiatry and treated like a caged animal because of your beliefs. I don’t see you being thrown in ambulances and having the cops called on you because you fell in love or were heart broken.

 

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