Pointless.

I don’t know why I bother with anything anymore. It’s just pointless. Why I even renewed this blog is beyond me. The silence is deafening. I’m going to pack my bags, I think. At least that’s how I feel right now.

Just talked to my mom about the trauma endured over the last half year and about how hurt and angry I am concerning everything – being hit, stolen from, lied to, manipulated, used, wrongfully accused, kicked out, 302’d, ignored, misunderstood all over again, yelled at, etc. And people wonder why I barely open up or they wonder why I lie. It’s basically to protect myself because I know where my truth leads. You thought that string of truths this past 6 months was weird? My god, you’ve heard nothing. And I’m not the only one. I’m one of manyyyy.

I’m just at my wits end. I battle these thoughts everyday. Every minute, actually. I rarely smile n if I do, a powerful cry usually follows now because it really fucking hurts to remember feeling that good.

Her response? You should see the psychiatrist for anger medication, then. I was just expressing myself. It is pointless to open my mouth. That is one of the major reasons for my anger. People believing it’s the only answer. I feel completely unheard and that’s another reason. Your solutions and quick fixes are what’s making it worse but no one can see that. I told her to stop praying for me. If I don’t know that you care, your footprints in the sand don’t mean anything to me. I’m sorry. Your silence, complacence and accusations are so very much louder.

I just feel that every single truth and bit of understanding I fought so fucking hard for last year, is just down the drain. I see nothing left but ashes. Nothing.

I’m just sick over everything.

Too much loss to even bother explaining.

Everything is futile.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. blue says:

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. I read you’re blog and I enjoy it, please don’t give up and please don’t stop reaching out.

    1. Thanks for reading and reaching out. I won’t give up on it, I just get into these moments. I feel like all I’m doing is complaining these days. I really must get my head out of my own butt n read more blogs.

      1. blue says:

        I wish I had some super deep advice for you but all I can say is I’ve been in the same slump lately. I just keep telling myself it will pass.

      2. Hey, I’m sorry to hear that you’re in the same slump. It does take time.

  2. blahpolar says:

    I read all your stuff

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