I don’t know why I bother with anything anymore. It’s just pointless. Why I even renewed this blog is beyond me. The silence is deafening. I’m going to pack my bags, I think. At least that’s how I feel right now.
Just talked to my mom about the trauma endured over the last half year and about how hurt and angry I am concerning everything – being hit, stolen from, lied to, manipulated, used, wrongfully accused, kicked out, 302’d, ignored, misunderstood all over again, yelled at, etc. And people wonder why I barely open up or they wonder why I lie. It’s basically to protect myself because I know where my truth leads. You thought that string of truths this past 6 months was weird? My god, you’ve heard nothing. And I’m not the only one. I’m one of manyyyy.
I’m just at my wits end. I battle these thoughts everyday. Every minute, actually. I rarely smile n if I do, a powerful cry usually follows now because it really fucking hurts to remember feeling that good.
Her response? You should see the psychiatrist for anger medication, then. I was just expressing myself. It is pointless to open my mouth. That is one of the major reasons for my anger. People believing it’s the only answer. I feel completely unheard and that’s another reason. Your solutions and quick fixes are what’s making it worse but no one can see that. I told her to stop praying for me. If I don’t know that you care, your footprints in the sand don’t mean anything to me. I’m sorry. Your silence, complacence and accusations are so very much louder.
I just feel that every single truth and bit of understanding I fought so fucking hard for last year, is just down the drain. I see nothing left but ashes. Nothing.
I’m just sick over everything.
Too much loss to even bother explaining.
Everything is futile.