Unsolicited Food Porn

Ah, unsolicited food porn – slightly less offensive than the unsolicited dick pic. Slightly.

It’s a little known fact that my friend takes hilariously pathetic photos of food. He doesn’t even do it on purpose, it just comes naturally. He should really start an online catalog. Oh wait, we already have Instagram. Funniest thing about it is that he genuinely tries to capture the delish in each dish…it’s just that there’s something really off about each unsolicited shot.

After a day of pimpin’ my food and sharing mouth-watering pix, he decided to upload his own to one-up me. Here’s his latest photo of mac n cheese & fried chicken.

 

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It may just be me, but something seems to be missing, yet so much to look at! Notice the threatening placement of the silverware. What was he trying to say to me? “I’m all done” or “I’ll cut you?” I only question this because he is a fan of horror. Or, does it scream ‘sexual innuendo?’ Then there’s the ketchup. I think he was attempting to add flare and a focal point. As if the plate wasn’t appetizing enough, check out the feet. I mean, who doesn’t love a great photo bomb of stinky feet in their food porn photos? Toe Jam, anyone? Now to the pants. Thank God this man wore Stewie sweatpants, otherwise this may have turned into quite the unsolicited food porn pic, for real!

Here’s one from our trip to the shore when we ate at Outback:

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Anyone knows that Bloomin’ Onions are not only bangin’, but they are quite photogenic and pleasing to the eyes (that are bigger than our stomach). How he managed to get a shot of a half-eaten Bloomin Onion and drippin’ dippin’ sauce, 1 second into our feast, I’ll never know. Afterall, there was only time for him to take one bite of his burger before he punched it in the face…as you can plainly see here. Then there’s my quesadilla in the background. Worst thing I’ve tasted in my life. At least he nailed the ‘vignette blur’ over the ENTIRE photo. And, I’ll give him credit for mastering foreground, focal point and background even though it’s more straightforward than his attempt at food porn. He really should upload this to Outback’s Facebook page and try to sell it.

Then, we have last, but not least – the obligatory party pix:

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His caption reads, “Ain’t no party like a hotel party cause the hotel party got Scrabble lol”

I think that is 12 points for ‘HEALTHY’.

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