No Tolerance for Abuse. NONE. ZIP.

Venting – Not my typical post and not well-written, but needed to get this off my chest. ABUSE IS NOT OKAY. I don’t care how insignificant our jabs may seem. Me included.

It’s been an extremely long time since I have come face to face with complete ignorance, emotional and verbal abuse. In fact, it shocked me after years of surrounding myself with positive influences and advocating for the flipside of mental ‘illness.’ Oh, dear, you messed with the wrong women. Although I have lost friends and family over the years due to suffering from something beyond my control, I have never seen a display of fear, ignorance and abuse in my life like I have in the last 2 weeks.

I have a very close friend of mine staying with me for a little while until she begins a new career and starts a new chapter in her life. She happens to be my roommate from one of my hospital stays last year at this very time. If we didn’t have each other during our stay, we would have crashed further down slippery slope.

We were a powerhouse team. Left brain and right…to a T. We worked tirelessly on solutions to a very big issue in mental health care. With her business prowess and my creative edge and background, we teamed up in secret to create a flow chart and design for affordable all-inclusive sanctuaries and mental health retreats in the Caribbean and United States that focused on the whole of recovery: Mind, Body and Spirit. Great ideas have to start somewhere. Along the way, we also found time to laugh it all off and see the hilarity in our situations, something not many on the outside will ever understand.

We were both released in 2016 and reconnected after a long haul in therapy, rehabilitation and recovery from an extremely traumatic time in our lives. She has come extremely far and I couldn’t be more proud. Her team knows the strides she’s taken to right her life, so she can get her son back and move on from one of the most emotionally and mentally abusive men I have ever encountered.

Although I can see the bigger picture and know that, in time, the courts will favor her and her astounding recovery and continued care, she is stuck in an ever increasingly deep pit of abuse from said ex. I’ve witnessed it for myself for 2 weeks now, and his first racist and abusive texts to her after the election seared an ugly picture in my mind. Everyday, he hangs her mental ‘illness’ (fucking HATE that term btw) over her head and tells her she is failing in life, isn’t a good mother, is a psycho and won’t make it. EVERY DAY AND HOUR. When it could not be further from the truth. Then after a barage of abusive texts, he sexts her, expecting a response. If she doesn’t give it to him, he immediately calls her unstable and says she is sick with mood swings. This isn’t even the half of it! But I wont even go there. He’s the text book definition of a psychopath and gaslighter. And her professioanl care team agrees. It’s not only me.

I am so amazed by her cool and collected responses. Afterall, she keeps her son in the forefront of her thoughts and chooses not to make waves, which I completely understand. But if it were me, I’d be livid. L.I.V.I.D. He is clueless as to the strength, resilience and power it takes to not only survive a severely damaging time in our lives, but to also rise above and beyond it.

You know me enough by now to know that I do not tolerate shit like this at all anymore. I’ve been writing about stigma, mental health and abuse for over two years now. I am glad I am strong enough to support her at this point. She needs someone who advocates for her recovery and mental health. She needs a positive outlook and encouragement.

Yesterday, he was texting her and getting jealous she had a friend like me. I’m no dummy. I know behind his abuse lies fear beyond scope. But it’s no excuse. He needs help, but he refuses to see it. He’s completely blind and maybe having his son taken away from him will change that. Who knows.

Then he dared to get personal with me. He knows I live with Bipolar and probably knows I was her roommate. He thinks I’m a blob on a couch that does nothing and I can only imagine he thinks I am a flaming liberal and 100% psychotic. She explained what I did and he asked bit back and said, “Maybe I’ll fuck her. Is she chubby?” Of course I told her to tell him the truth and that I don’t give a shit what he thinks. We had a few, calculated and choice words with him. Then he told her to stop laying on a mentally ill person’s couch, as if I were a disease or not a whole human because I live with bipolar and overcome it in great strides. He is messing with the wrong people. That we assured him.

Stigma is understandable…can’t lie. I get it bc I have to. Whether we like it or not, it’s here. But it doesn’t make it okay. And I’ve fought hard to remedy this in my own life and the lives of others. Sometimes, it’s simply a matter of explaining the condition with which you are faced and hanging up the phone for good. Sometimes, it means walking away from those whom you thought would understand. Sometimes it is accepting they had to walk away from you. As hard as it is, it is 100% reality. And, we have to deal with it.

What is not okay, is abuse and psychopathic behavior twisted into vindictive and cruel ways that only damage further and even more so than said disorder. We have enormous hearts because unlike the absuser, we’ve been through the darkness and recovered on the otherside. We have boldly faced our demons. So, in part, we understand where it is coming from. But that’s also why many put up with it and don’t get out of mentally damaging and dangerous situations.

ABUSE IS NOT OKAY. IN ANY FORM. AND KARMA IS A SON OF A BITCH, REST ASSURED.

One day, in not-so-distant future, she will be able to turn this trauma into a powerful example to inspire others. She will never look back. It is important to see the bigger picture in all we set out to do, but don’t forget the perseverance found in every small step that will get you to your end goal.

She is stronger, more capable and has much more going for her than many people I’ve met along the way. That speaks volumes.

It’s people like her that will undoubtedly help to change the world, one huge stride after another.

As for him … he’s two steps away from a 302.

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9 Comments Add yours

  1. darie73 says:

    I have to say that I’m guilty of using “Mental Illness” and “Mental Health Issues” because I don’t know how else to phrase it. Growing up in a family filled with various mental illnesses the term “crazy” was used often. So maybe that’s why I don’t mind Mental Illness. When you interact at all with a Narcissistic abuser you give them the stage they’re looking for. They crave the attention, good or bad. He doesn’t care as long as he receives some kind of a response from her. I speak from what I know unfortunately. I wish her the best. I know what she’s going through it isn’t a healthy or happy place. She is extremely lucky to have support. You’re a better friend and person than most of us have. Thank you!

    1. OnTheRocks says:

      I grew up with a family that had many mental health issues as well. My sister, for one, is mentally challenged. I was raised to see her ability vs disability, but that didn’t stop others from poking fun and being cruel. I learned to advocate for mental health early on, and this is why I’m passionate about it. I saw it with my sister and mother and now, myself. I’m thankful for my experiences, although some were traumatic. It’s just made me stronger in the end. Anyway, hope you are well and thank you for your response. 🙂

  2. darie73 says:

    I wish I could say that any of my family was made stronger by mental illness. Mentally challenged is another ballgame. Mental illness led my Uncle Jimmy to drug abuse, homelessness, AIDS, and death. His sister is Schizophrenic also and lives in a small apartment building with other mentally ill people. She slurs her words, swears constantly, and is extremely loud because of her medications. The Lithium she’s been on for so long has now damaged her liver. Their mother, who was also my mom’s mother, brought her children to work with her at the local state run Psychiatric Hospital which was a hell hole in the 50’s and 60’s. She then abandoned all 7 of them to live in a chicken coop. Nothing positive came from any of it. I can honestly say I am not stronger because of any of the things I’ve gone through. I won’t give in but I admit I’m stuck.

    1. OnTheRocks says:

      I’m terribly sorry for all you and your family have been through. I really don’t mean to make light of any of this. I’m just at a point in my life where I’ve made a bold decision to move past the trauma that plagued my life and my family’s lives. It’s been a very tough road for all involved. Throughout my life, until recently, I have kept quiet about mental illness and I’ve been deeply scarred and ashamed. We were taught to celebrate my sister, but to keep quiet about the mental illness and Alcoholism that ran rapid through the family. Deaths were the result for some, and near death from my mother, who had a kidney transplant due to lithium toxicity.

      I wasn’t told about my mother’s illness until I was 18, but I had been witness to it since I was born. And even then, I never fully understood it until I went through it at 32. Up until then, I had no clue as to why many in the family kept mum and alienated her. I won’t even speak of the mental, verbal and emotional abuse bc it’s too hard at the moment and I’m trying to move forward.

      When I was diagnosed, I was so traumatized by people’s reaction to my illness that I finally understood what those closest to me felt and endured most of their lives. I made it a goal to start this blog to help family and friends understand what it’s like to not only witness it, but live through it. I wanted to advocate and find a voice for so many that I loved, by using myself as the guinea pig.

      It is not always pretty. And it was a hard, cold reality I had to face that not many in my family wanted to read it or were prepared to read it. I wrote anyway and since my first blog post, it has evolved tremendously. Not in the way of folllowers, but within myself. I dug so deep I had no choice but to face my demons and rid myself of guilt, shame, embarassment etc. And that alone, is worth so much to me.

      I quit a job that was destroying my soul, I am going to be officially published, I’m confident in myself again, I found my voice, and my family is now finally starting to understand on a deeper level….because they are reading. I felt a severely deep need to right the wrongs. I don’t know why I put all that pressure on myself but I always felt that if I don’t do it now, no one will. We have hidden in shame and sickness for too long.

      So, anyway, I truly don’t mean to make light of this illness. Not at all.  God knows, just last April I was laying in the ICU for attempted suicide. I just recently broke out of a 7-month long depression after psychosis and mania. And i drank my way through it all. It’s not always Positive for me, but without this condition, I would have never found my voice, my courage or fight. I would have never felt compelled to affect my immediate circle.

      I’m sorry you have been through this.

      1. darie73 says:

        You never have to apologize. This is a safe place. I didn’t think you were making light of anything I felt bad because if I’m not mentally ill than what am I ? What do I call it? I don’t want to offend anyone either. My family tried to keep everything hidden. As a kid I always listened to the grown ups talking, making myself invisible. It’s what I’ve been good at my entire life. Sometimes I forget my sister doesn’t know some secrets and I’ll say something by accident. My blog is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes and I don’t always post what I write! You are doing a wonderful thing remember that. There are things you have written that have hit me hard because no one else has said it. Thank you!

      2. OnTheRocks says:

        Thank you so much for all you do share!! You, too, are doing an amazing thing. I mean that. Keep it up! Y

  3. Surviving a marriage of abuse for 17 years, I stand by your side in saying ABUSE IS NOT OKAY. In any form. But we are the fortunate ones. We can heal. They will forever be mired in their fear, blame and bitterness. Never gaining the illumination of understanding, the comfort of forgiveness, and their own unrelenting self-hatred. And above all their stupid ignorance, their blindness to their role in their own demise

    1. OnTheRocks says:

      I’m so sorry to hear you have gone through this. We’ll said and I agree. ♡

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