I’m Terrified.

I’m just going to be flat out honest here, because I need to get something off my chest …even though I’m unsure as to what that is. I guess I’ll just write and see where it goes.

I rarely talk about recovery anymore, because truth be told, I still struggle and I somehow convinced myself that a night (or morning) out here and there isn’t going to do any harm. So, I feel as of now, that I don’t have the right to even get into it or write about my future plans, etc. Reality is, I am not in recovery at this time. I can’t sit here living a lie. That is basically why I deleted my about me page and need to start fresh.

And today, I’m not okay.

I’m rationalizing. I’m kicking myself. I’m down, tired and wired. I make big mistakes and piss poor decisions every single time I go out. It never fails. Today, I loathe myself.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I have one too many, it just gets worse. I tell myself the next day that I simply cannot do it anymore. I just can’t. But, after a week or two, I forget the humiliation, pain and do it all over again.

I’m just afraid I’ll never learn. I don’t fit in to the AA crowd. I’ve tried for years, and it just isn’t my thing. I can’t sit in IOP day after day, listening and venting about all things negative. They say when this happens, to become a positive light…but I don’t have the patience or strength. I’m so weary of group therapy. I’ve had enough for now.

I am not sure what I am missing. Maybe discipline. Probably. God knows, I’m not very good at it unless it drives me and I’m passionate about it. Maybe I need to fake it until I make it.

Or maybe I need to sit here and rationalize my decisions until my brain goes numb and my nerves settle. Which soemtimes, takes weeks.

Maybe I am much too hard on myself, as most everyone I love says. I don’t want to not care and throw all caution to the wind because that isn’t going to end up pretty in the end.

I need balance as I settle into this new chapter of my life. I feel like I just woke up and everything was new. Things are changing, evolving, falling into place (yet, at the same time becoming wildly out of control), moving forward and exciting me to hypomanic degree. And, I’d be lying if I said I’m not terrified. It all happened so fast and I need to step up my game like ten fold and act the part. It is a lot of pressure.

I have a job to find, resume and portfolio to finish, writing to submit and edit, art to create, recovery to tend to, lies to stop, friends to see, people to meet, therapy to attend, family to love, etc, etc, etc…

Recovery was a flippin’ breeze a year or so ago because that is all I was focused on.

Every new chapter requires a different version of myself and I’ve worked hard to set myself up for this one. I guess a piece of me isn’t ready. But I have to be. I asked for it.

Okay, that’s enough. And the award for “all over the place” goes to … Moi!

Putting my shit-kickers on.

Starting tomorrow. 😉

I used to handle it all. Home, career, relatiosnhips, social life, bills, dog, life, exercise, mental health, travel, family, hardships, fun, life, etc…and it was easy because I was flat out oblivious. My heart wasn’t in that game then. Or at the very least, I wasn’t aware.

Now. Now, my heart is front and center and I’m almost too aware. And it is beyond painful. But, I asked for it.

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