System Breakdown. Rant.

I don’t even know how to begin expressing how I feel right now. I’ve been stuck in the mental health system for seven years and when I look back to where I am now, it’s simple one sluggish path to slowly killing myself.

Ever since I took that first pill, or wait…sorry, was FORCED TO take that first pill, I stopped exercising, I became disinterested in my creative outlets, I couldn’t concentrate on books, tv or movies, work or social life, I lost my sense of self, my ambiton, my drive, my focus. All of it.

Then when I do find a med that works, insurance won’t cover it.

I’m being pulled in three very direct and different directions, based off of what other’s biased views on what stability is. Truth. 100%. I am being pulled. With little to no regard as to what stability means to me as a creative, an artist and a progressive individual who thrives on stimulation.

Do you have any idea the energy and brain power it takes to be three different people at once just in a effort to calm stormy seas? Because if I didn’t, surely I’d have consequences of the pharmaceutical kind. I’m surfing these waves of their personal opinions, completely different and yet, I’m on the rocks….off shore and far, far away.

I feel I’m underestimated, dumbed down, thrown into a lump, and disregarded as an individual with specific needs.

I’m depressed. Very. Have been for a month or more. I told my therapist this today and she asked in an accusatory tone, “How do you cope? Do you do drugs?” Whoa. Back the fuck up.

Then I confided in her that I’m bored. “Boredom is a sign of stability.”

SINCE WHEN?! NOT IN MY WORLD, CHICA!

NO. I’m bored, depressed and lost because I don’t have motivation, challenges that push me further and excited me. I’m severely depressed because everyone I work with underestimates me and I have to force myself to pretend to be three different people to appease you. While completely disregarding my own sense of self.

If I told them the truth….what I really want to work on (god forbid, full-time employment, as its all I’ve ever known, or perhaps starting out on a creative writing endeavor, such as writing the book or screen play I meant to years ago) they’d just list me as delusional and suggest tweaking medications. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

It always comes down to meds.

Which in retrospect, which I have the right to do now, have wholely fucked me up beyond belief or recognition.

Fuck your meds. Fuck your advice.

I don’t need to sit in a room with folks, learning coping skills and personal medicine. I know it. I do it. All day. Everyday. I don’t need to sit in some dank ass basement with white-washed walls with no windows, gluing macaroni to construction paper, hanging it on the fridge and calling it art. I have my own space, supplies and skill. I have been in the professional, creative world for over 15-some years now. Don’t tell me how to do my shit.

Point blank. I’m depressed because of this system and being completely dumbed down to the point of no return, underestimated and treated as if I’m some junkie on the streets or someone who doesn’t know that pain, grief, anger and hard times here and there is NOT pathological.

And on top of that, my life’s goal was to transform this system somehow in my own way. Helping, inspiring, speaking, writing etc…somehow. Now , after seven years of forced medication and bullshit, I’m so sick I could vomit. I almost want nothing to do with it. It’s a beast and I don’t know if I have the strength to fight anymore.

But I wont stop there. Because I can’t.

Your system sucks.

And it’s time to make a change.

By engaging people’s skills, by listening to them fully and finding outlets suited for each individual, you’d be doing a great service to those in need and this world. By dumbing down, sedating and demonizing us, you are doing this world a huge disservice.

The individuals I have met on my journeys in the last 7 years, are some of the most creative, inspiring, ambitious and brilliant people I have met in my entire life. Some of which could transform this world from the inside out. Fact.

But if you pushed their strengths and deemed them well, that would threaten your paycheck.

Boggles my fucking mind. I see memes, quotes and articles everyday from a wide variety of sources, pushing the positive and pushing greatness within. Reach for goals. Strive for greatness. Dream big.

But when you’re mentally ill….

It’s just a delusion.

Med check, please.

And then you wonder why we literally lose our shit.

49205-jiddu-krishnamurti-quote-it-is-no-measure-of-health-to-be-well

 

 

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